I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
