i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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