by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
