just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
