Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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