I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
