I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Help. Why am I so naked?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
