I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize