I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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