He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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