exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
