go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize