my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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