I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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