I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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