I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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