Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
