I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize