When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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