theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
