i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
