i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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