I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
