every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Randomize
