This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
