Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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