Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize