you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
