another moral hangover. fuck.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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