I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
