I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
