We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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