i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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