I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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