I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
