I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
