I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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