u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
