After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
