there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
