I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
