you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How does one acquire holy water?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
