who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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