I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize