chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
