So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
