??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
