why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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