The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
