It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
