dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
