apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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