I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
