Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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