OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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