he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
