It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The ass gains better be worth it
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