Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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