I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
