woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
