I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
