you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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