Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Never underestimate the power of titties
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
