I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
