Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
