i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize