I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
